The Covenant Eyes Podcast

The Two Reasons We Struggle with Porn, Special Guest Dr. Eddie Capparucci

March 31, 2022 Hosts: Karen Potter, MA Ed., Brandon Clark, and Sam Black, and Rob Stoddard from Covenant Eyes Season 1 Episode 223
The Covenant Eyes Podcast
The Two Reasons We Struggle with Porn, Special Guest Dr. Eddie Capparucci
Show Notes Transcript

When working through struggles with pornography, shame can often prove to be a major stumbling block. Yet, there are even deeper reasons why we struggle with porn in the first place. In this episode, Dr. Eddie Capparucci will share what these reasons are and how understanding them provides a path to freedom.

Key topics covered in this episode:

  • The two reasons we struggle with porn
  • How to practically work through these two reasons
  • How technology creates an obstacle for progress
  • Why the Church is having a hard time ministering in this area and how to overcome that

More Information:

www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com

www.strugglingmen.org

Books available exclusively at Amazon:

  1. Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction
  2. Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots
  3. Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God's Love

Guest Bio:

Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a Christian counselor and coach certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Dr. Eddie has worked with professional athletes and television personalities among his many clients. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model for treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors, a unique approach that focuses on identifying unresolved childhood pain points and teaching individuals how to process emotional distress in healthy ways.  

He is the author of several books, including Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction, Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots, and Removing Your Shame Label: Breaking From Shame and Feeling God’s Love. He is the administrator of two blog sites: MenAgainstPorn.com and SexuallyPureMen.com, and he is the host of the monthly webinar Getting to the Other Side.



Church, Podcast, Education, Accountability, Pastors, Ministry Leaders, Christianity, Pornography Addiction, Sexual Addiction Recovery, Marriages

Karen Potter: hello, and welcome to the Covenant eyes podcast i'm your host Karen potter joined by my co host brandon Clark, and we are so glad to have you with us today.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: yeah we sure are Karen how are you today.

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Karen Potter: Oh, not too bad how about you.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: Good i'm doing great i'm so excited for our guest today who will introduce and get into in just a moment.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: You know I do want to shout out to our listeners, though, if this is your first time listening to the Covenant eyes podcast first of all welcome we're so glad that you're with us today.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: And just to tell you a little bit about the podcast we talk about tough topics like pornography, but the great news is.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: We don't just present the problem we have solutions, so we have a wide array of professionals each week joining us like our guests today who share must have resources and tools to really battle this an important problem in the Church.

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Karen Potter: Absolutely, and before we introduce today's guest I do want to just remind everyone out there that.

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Karen Potter: We need your help and sharing the word about the podcast you know we bring on these amazing guests with awesome resources.

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Karen Potter: But we need you to share that with other people, because if we're going to see change in culture we've got to be that change so help us by liking our show subscribing and then sharing with your friends and family.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: yeah and i'll just add here to Karen that for our listeners today, we do have a free 30 day trial.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: Of the Covenant eyes software so it's a great opportunity if you're listening, maybe you, you know a little bit about Kevin and dies have never given it a try.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: To begin living a life of accountability and.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: We all need it right, we all need that accountability in our lives in many different areas and you've got nothing to lose to try it for 30 days so just visit our website covenant eyes calm and then you can enter the promo code free podcast that's all one word free podcast at the checkout.

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Karen Potter: awesome well for today's topic we have a pretty exciting topic and i'm going to go ahead and introduce.

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Karen Potter: The topic and our guest so we've got the two reasons we struggle with porn as the conversation for today's podcast i'm super excited to jump into that we're looking forward to this conversation with one of the.

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Karen Potter: Best guys out there, I you come highly recommended cm black in the company eyes gang here is just singing your praises so i'm so honored to have you on the show Dr eddie Kappa ricci did I say that.

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Eddit: Right yes.

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Karen Potter: it's a lovely.

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Karen Potter: But Dr eddie as a Christian counselor he's a coach a certified certified in treating problematic sexual behaviors he has worked with professional athletes TV personalities.

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Karen Potter: are among some of his best clients, he is a creator of the inner child model for treating problematic sexual behaviors a unique approach that focuses on identifying and resolving childhood pain points and teaching individuals, how to process emotional distress.

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Karen Potter: wow.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: yeah Karen I should add to he's the author of several books, including going deeper how the inner child impacts your sexual addiction.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: Why men struggle to love overcoming relational blind spots and removing your shame label breaking from shame and feeling god's love.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: he's also the administrator of two blog sites men against foreign calm and sexually pure men and he's the host of a monthly webinar getting to the other side, Dr eddie cappuccino, how do you have time for all that.

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Eddit: I got it kind of overwhelming get you guys throw it at all at me and I realized now how busy I am.

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Eddit: Well, my wife my wife will say, and she does say this, if you, if I think you're a busy man in the world.

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Eddit: um she may be close I may be close I think there's some other people in front of me, but you know what it is that it is the passion and drive I have for this.

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Eddit: I would go deep very quickly I struggled with my with my own sexual addiction growing up, you know as a child teenager young to go and what I finally when I hit about.

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Eddit: 40 and I was like I can't do this anymore, and I went and I did the work it'll cover that my my main problem with thought.

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Eddit: You know the sexual acting out by me problem was I had an attachment disorder lbw I have one foot in one foot out of every relationship, I was ever heard.

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Eddit: And so, therefore, you know I needed to work on that as i'm worked on that i've met my current wife that was like 25 years ago, was a very.

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Eddit: Strong Christian woman what you call a passive Christian what the church on Sunday do my money into collection pot and walked out.

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Eddit: Not her, she knew scriptures you know all of that, and that was part of transformation that I may working with a lot of other wonderful mentors and men over the years.

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Eddit: That got me to understand what do they really need to be have a relationship with Christ.

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Eddit: But with that what happens in because I was in corporate America with a marketing and advertising executive God comes and says hey guess what you know anywhere i'm doing this anymore.

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Eddit: I got something else for you i'm like, no, no, no, no, that wasn't part of the deal and bookies close to you, but you know I don't.

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Eddit: What is this about Well he led me into the Ministry of Christian counseling and I was about 12 years ago and I went back to school got my bathroom.

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Eddit: did all the work I needed to do for the state, and then the rest is history, he has blessed our ministry beyond anything I could ever imagine is so wonderful it amazing because I get to see daughter work every day.

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Karen Potter: What an amazing story oh my gosh isn't it great how God just you know you're doing your thing and then he's like no something different, I think all of us kind of have that that same story of how you know, especially for me how I came to covenant eyes, like it's just amazing so.

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Karen Potter: With that let's jump into today's conversation a little bit, I can see that i'm.

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Karen Potter: whoops we're gonna have to cut that part I read your part Brendan sorry cut okay restart.

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Karen Potter: God granted your turn.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: yeah well um I have down that we just want to start with the two reasons, if you want to ask that one Karen.

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Karen Potter: Oh yep I didn't see that on there okay sorry about that okay TIM restart right here.

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Karen Potter: Let me just get this up okay let's begin with a brief.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: overview of what the two reasons.

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Karen Potter: Are that we struggle with pornography.

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Eddit: yeah basically Karen.

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Eddit: What I believe.

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Eddit: Is that, first and foremost, it is unresolved childhood pain point, these are scars that we carry with us, whether it be from actual trauma and or neglect.

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Eddit: That have never really been resolved at what we've done for the most part, if we press.

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Eddit: The pain point that we have, we were not really even aware that they exist, however, they become activated by daily occurrences that happened in our life and, therefore, increasing our.

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Eddit: level of discomfort and the second point that you know, I believe, is the reason why we struggle with sexual addiction it because we don't know how to sit with emotional distress.

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Eddit: No one ever taught us any and all addictions is anyone who has an addiction is going to struggle to sit with emotional pain, because I am if you will have that emotional development which you could sit your distress.

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Eddit: You can then sort through it and become rational about it and then make healthy decisions well anyone who deal with addiction.

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Eddit: They don't make healthy decisions as if all start with that inability to sit with that emotional distress and what they do, because they can't sit with that they've run and where do they run they want to, whatever their addiction is inescapable we're talking about today is sex.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: yeah I can see a lot of that play out in my own life as you describe those things and walk through.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: You know, one of the things I think about you talked about childhood pain points you know when I was working through my own struggle with pornography eddie.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: I can see that in my examination of my family of origin, I had a lot of unresolved things and so i'm curious How do people go about identifying those unresolved childhood pain points you mentioned.

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Eddit: that's a great question brad did it what we do, usually it or child model what i've done is i've like dead up by nine.

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Eddit: Nine reason why men abuse, sex, but I say man, even though I know women also struggle, because I work with men, so I have people to forgive me, when I used to go pro doubt he he he do or him.

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Eddit: But basically, what or nine reeves and said, if you put I came across in my work in my studies in my research of working with my clients.

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Eddit: And with those nine reasons I turned them into children nine inner children, and the reason I did that was because I also believe that what are the biggest deterrent for getting someone to learn how to manage their addiction is shame.

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Eddit: Shame is a stumbling block I major stumbling block, so what I did was, and it was not my original idea, it was something somebody developed 25 years ago if I externalize the addiction, so therefore my clients are not a sex addict.

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Eddit: My clients are a Prince of the king.

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Eddit: The sex addiction issue live with our inner child who houses, all of the pain point that we have and what was so incredible when I first launched it and introduced it to my.

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Eddit: client it with just you could see the sense of relief that they had that was like oh my gosh you know what I can do that.

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Eddit: I can help this kid I can nurture him I can help you walk through all of this, and because now what we've done if I externalise you that crippling shame that they deal with.

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Eddit: So that part of what we do we go in and we look at each of the nine children, for example, there is the need for affirmation the.

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Eddit: Need for control the unnoticed child the entitled kid the early sexually stimulated and abused child this child there's nine different.

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Eddit: trauma traumas or neglect that these kids deal with, and so the client go in a book out what the background.

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Eddit: For each of these kids What would the environment they were raised in what were some of the things they may have gone through.

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Eddit: That led to them developing maybe Baptist you know i'm not noticed I made visible the New York, the negative narrative they develop.

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Eddit: And then, what they do to go through the everyday pick out the ones that resonate with them and but that's not the most important part of all of this.

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Eddit: Because he after they pick the kids and they can pick anywhere they usually get anywhere from four to six.

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Eddit: But what's really important is what are the core emotional triggers that activate that child, so therefore again the idea of the child, you doesn't feel notice, well, I feel invisible.

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Eddit: You know I don't matter so now any event that happened in their lives today that they get the message, or the idea you don't matter and, again, probably not even what really happened their inner child becomes activated and now they're there desire to want to what all intensifies.

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Karen Potter: that's really interesting I you know and it kind of.

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Karen Potter: It just kind of makes me think about you know when you're trying to address really tough issues like addiction.

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Karen Potter: Whether it's pornography addiction or another type kind of setting that aside, I like how you use that child kind of model because.

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Karen Potter: it's like it sets it aside so that you're not labeling yourself like I am the sexually addicted person it's like.

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Karen Potter: This part is the sexually addicted you know this child this whatever you know, and so, then you can address it a little differently, because shane is just a dirty.

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Karen Potter: horrible hefty wave that we carry around and once we address that and we don't let that burden us were able to find some freedom and we're able to address those top top belief in my life that's how it's.

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Eddit: Working and part of that Karen you need to.

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Eddit: educate people that what their problem is.

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Eddit: They have an addictive brain.

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Eddit: We have an addictive brain that why because we can't sit with our pain, so therefore we need to wind up going to get something to soothe ourselves.

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Eddit: Whether its food and many people deal with a sexual addiction also deal with other types of addictive behavior to.

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Eddit: UK actually the younger ones now we're also dealing with the video game addiction so on top of the sexual addiction so i'm have a food problem with that others have alcohol drug too.

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Eddit: Many things that you can think about, but all go back to that inability to fit What did you dress that it caused by the unresolved childhood big one.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: So, how does one work through that portion of it, the emotional distress and being able to learn to sit with that and process those emotions.

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Eddit: That brad, and that is a big.

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Eddit: hurdle.

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Eddit: For both people because people come into my office and you know what I usually do after maybe a second, third session, I think, no matter what do I didn't want to sit here for a few minutes, I just want to sit.

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Eddit: They go out of their mind you could see the light bouncing up and down, you can see, the fact that we're looking all over you're looking at their watch they can't just sit.

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Eddit: So I have to teach them it's okay to just be still and and when we do that, then what we do if there's a six step process of the inner child.

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Eddit: program but what you're talking about here we go to step four, and that is looking at what I feel versus what is real.

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Eddit: And, in most cases, what you feel versus what is real are two very different thing what I feel Okay, driven by emotions.

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Eddit: And, in many cases for someone who has an addiction their adolescent emotions okay they're not very rational enough very well thought out.

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Eddit: So what we need to do is get them to slow everything down of that the one thing I tried to drill into my client constantly you need to slow down, especially when you start to feel.

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Eddit: that little bit of discomfort in your life take a moment what are you feeling go through that you don't want, I feel I feel like i've been neglected, I feel like I don't really matter right now I feel like nobody really cares okay fine sit with that for a moment, feel it, but now let's.

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Eddit: move away from the adolescents, taking into the inner child and let go to the adult or the wife mine at it is okay what's really happening.

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Eddit: And then we sit there and we evaluate at we look at the circumstances for what they could be because many times again what i'm feeling does not accurately portray what has happened.

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Eddit: And if I can doubt rationalize my emotions, I definitely have slowed everything down at their for now I can most likely make a healthy decision.

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Karen Potter: Dr eddie I am so curious as to you know, in a world where it's instant gratification non stop you know, and especially for younger people, but I.

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Karen Potter: would say that US older people are probably in that boat as well early stay I am.

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Karen Potter: i'm you know we just can't sit like how that has got to be something you must work with your clients on a regular basis, because as a society, we are not good.

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Karen Potter: At sitting still or being silent or or feeling emotion, I mean when we get bored what do we immediately do we turn on netflix or we get on our phone and go to instagram or you know Facebook, or whatever it is um so just you know, can you speak to that a little bit of.

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Karen Potter: Our technology is really like impacted this.

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Eddit: It is.

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Eddit: It is made.

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Eddit: Our lives changed tremendously okay and you're talking to a guy who I grew up there was no Internet.

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Eddit: I grew up your cable TV just came in, when I was like 16 years old.

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Eddit: I mean we didn't have cell phone when we didn't even have answering machines, at one time, yet call somebody you got them or you didn't get them.

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Eddit: And you did when it was all snail mail there was nothing else Okay, it was a very different type of life and, yes, technology has changed all of that, but when we're looking to break free of art addictive behaviors, we need to be open to changing everything.

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Eddit: Everything is about the trip formation of the heart and with that calm new behavior pattern, and therefore it again what what the scripture tells us to be still.

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Eddit: Why do I want to be still because, by being still, it gives me an opportunity to wind up hearing and understanding what God wants for me and my life.

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Eddit: direction I should be taking, we need to learn to discern discern without a word everybody throws out there anymore, because you're too reactive, but what we do so therefore I again the idea of.

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Eddit: We need to make the commitment to change, and what that go compared to a lot of times is okay, you know what let me.

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Eddit: Let me slow things down at your maybe what I could do is just start off with a we kind of put on my headphones and i've listened to something.

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Eddit: very quiet kind of music nothing loud oh wrapped under the very quiet music again to be able to sit for five minutes and it moved to Ken.

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Eddit: who moved to 15 if you get to 15 that's good oh good you're gone don't worry, you can go ahead, go back and do what you're doing.

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Eddit: But we need to be able to take that time but, more importantly, we need to be able to stop.

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Eddit: When we're starting to feel our self destruct i'm sure you guys heard about the book, you know the body keeps store right, what does it talk about it talks about the fact that our body if we listen to it.

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Eddit: is a wonderful guy that can keep us grounded and keep us from being reactive at, but more so become responsive.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: That is so awesome man I love the fact that you brought up you know, listening to the voice of the Lord there's a friend of mine who had a friend who he was.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: going around and he had this is either the five or the seven minute challenge, and the challenge was, I challenge you to sit in silence for five to seven minutes.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: put away your phone put away everything just try to shut off your mind and he said the encounters people were having were quite incredible because they were.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: In a place to be able to receive the the voice of the Lord, and so I just love what you're talking about with that and I wonder if you can just speak to for our church leaders are and.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: Those who you know, maybe have men's ministry groups different stuff like that, if you can speak to them about.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: You know the importance of being able to address the two things that we've talked about today, the the childhood pain points and the ability to process that emotional stress and struggle.

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Eddit: i'm so glad you brought that up such a critical issue and i'm sure you're going to have many people on your podcast for months and years to come, that are going to be parroting what i'm about to say at that is our churches need to step up.

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Eddit: All right, the problem is you guys well, though, is that pornography impact to believers and the same level that it does non believers look at the numbers are about the same that we look at those who are struggling and if there's too many.

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Eddit: Too many pastors in our church that are at your assignment.

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Eddit: So i'm going to say something that's going to be incredibly.

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Eddit: controversial.

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Eddit: Part of the reason I think some are drunk are silent, because I think there are many who struggle.

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Eddit: I think they struggle in fact I know they struggle, because I have worked with many pastors over the years and, with that comes their own shame because you're one I should know better.

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Eddit: I booked to be different to be set apart, and I say to them, I know you just demand, like all of us Okay, yes, yes, you you you're more perhaps in tune and being able to hear God.

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Eddit: And he gives you the word to give you the wisdom to be able to communicate messages that impact, all of us at a wonderful way I can but you still get the man.

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Eddit: That here, but I have your weaknesses, but I have your fault, so therefore you have to address them the same way, anyone else does so, I think that part of the reason but.

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Eddit: To answer your question it that the church does need to be very active men's groups also Do you know what, if you look at it alcohol drug.

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Eddit: Food you know they all have a little bit of a stigma to them, but nothing has the stigma that affects addiction as.

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Eddit: I be, because then people are looking at you like Oh, what have you been doing what have you been up to you, are you safe to be around me are safe, to be around my wife, you know it.

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Eddit: All into that depth and get many to be a guide for saying this are also God who's struggling himself, so the church have to step up, they have to understand, this is an epidemic.

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Eddit: If you're going to get worse because the last two generations have grown up with Internet you know porn is readily available, we are teaching.

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Eddit: little boys, it is okay to objectify little girls, but worse yet and Karen you really I think really appreciate it we're teaching little girls that it's okay to be objective by that is horrendous absolutely horrendous the church have to step up.

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Eddit: Parents have to step up.

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Eddit: and schools have to step up, we all have a say and all of this because, if not we're going to lose a generation of people who have who were to grow up and they're going to be emotionally undeveloped and we are going to see chaos like we've never seen before, when it comes to relationships.

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Karen Potter: So.

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Eddit: Step off my soapbox now.

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Karen Potter: Oh no That was a great soapbox to be on so absolutely great information there, and you know covenant eyes, we strongly believe that pastors and leaders, you know.

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Karen Potter: It really is that important you've got to address this issue, you know we like to call it the elephant in the room, I you know it's.

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Karen Potter: The thing everybody knows, is there, and nobody wants to talk about but.

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Karen Potter: We know the world is going to talk about it, so if we don't fill that void somebody else will instagram will snapchat will tick tock will you know porn hub will, so we have to address this issue, it is just you know, important.

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Eddit: At that time I appreciate, I appreciate you guys and the work.

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Eddit: you're doing.

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Eddit: Covenant eyes, all together, but even with the podcast you're getting the word out there you're giving people an opportunity of a place that they can go for answer, they can go for real help I went on.

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Eddit: Another redick person i've actually never really been on it, but I went out in a couple of days ago, like trying to do some research for a book, so I went on a couple sites that were sex addiction.

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Eddit: And I was just flabbergasted at the number of people on that site, both men and women that were so filled with self loathing and were like have that mindset of.

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Eddit: I don't know what to do, I have no idea how to get rid of this, I tried, I tried and therefore you have to, we have to make sure that we continue that message.

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Eddit: And it has to be brought it has to be loud and you know what if somebody doesn't like it and they're feeling, you know embarrassed by it, or whatever sorry apply I do in that to you, but you know what we're going to be saving people by reaching out that way.

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Karen Potter: You bring up such a good point, like the world is talking about this in ways that and especially the younger generation they're not ashamed to talk about these topics.

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Karen Potter: But the problem is, is that the church isn't there to provide answers and so they're seeking those answers in places like reddit and communities on there.

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Karen Potter: And sometimes the advice is good and sometimes it's not, and this is an opportunity for Christians.

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Karen Potter: To engage you know, with people I mean this is a great way to reach out into our communities and offer wisdom and advice and we might not have all the answers, but we can point them to people like yourself.

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Karen Potter: and other organizations that have programs that can help people get the treatment and the counseling and the tools and resources they need to be successful.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: I think that brings up a good point too, so if any of our listeners, and he wanted to learn more about what we've talked about, or maybe even check out some of your books, what can they do to get in touch with all the.

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Eddit: Different couple places one they can go to you if they want to talk about what we were talking about before the two driver.

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Eddit: The you know unresolved emotional pain point childhood pain point and it ability to sit with emotional distress.

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Eddit: That found in my book going deeper how the inner child impact your sexual addiction and I have a website it's www.

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Eddit: Inner child dash sex addiction COM so again inner child death sex addiction calm and there, there are a bunch of resources that are on there and there's actually even for those people who will struggle to.

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Eddit: perhaps be able to afford counseling Okay, thank you, with someone to certify, it is the area I could I create created a 1212 part program or an hour each and they walk you.

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Eddit: Through the entire inner child process, it is like $340 just like what would cost you for less than to visit us at the other book that's out now why men struggle to love.

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Eddit: Overcoming relational blind up and people can find out more about that they go to www struggling men.org again that book is more about what we do after we've learned to control and manage our sex addiction.

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Eddit: Give a lot more that needs.

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Eddit: To be done, we have to do to transformation of the art and, therefore, those who are the 14 blind spots are Those are the things that prevent men from having very good and successful relationships.

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Karen Potter: And for all of our listeners out there that are panicking to find a pen as they're driving to write down all these.

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Karen Potter: websites don't worry, we will put them in the show notes, so when you get home just jump onto your favorite podcast by in just find the show notes will have links to all of Dr ids.

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Karen Potter: websites links to his books and so you can get connected and that course sounds fantastic you're right for the price that that courses that's two sessions, so my gosh wouldn't investment into yourself and into your journey, so thank you.

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Eddit: Welcome

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Karen Potter: We really appreciate this conversation Dr eddie this has been really insightful we're gonna have to have you back because I feel like we just scratched the surface and I would imagine that will get a ton of feedback from pastors and listeners.

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Karen Potter: With questions for you, so we'll want to have you back and get some of those in front of you, but from everyone here at covenant eyes, we do want to just kind of bring today's session to a close brandon do you have any.

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Karen Potter: Closing statements or anything.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: yeah I just want to say that if you really enjoying what we're talking about please spread the words make sure you subscribe yourself, so you can get the new episodes each week, but then.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: spread the word, so you know the messages that we shared here with Dr eddie and all of the other great guests, that we have on can can be spread far and wide.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: And then the other thing is, we do have that free 30 day trial of covenant eyes software we're offering with today's show, so please just visit our website covenant eyes calm.

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Brandon.Clark@covenanteyes.com: And then, as I mentioned at the beginning, enter promo code free podcast all one word at the checkout so thank you again, Dr eddie and Thank you everyone for joining us today we'll see you next time on the Covenant eyes church podcast.